Entry tags:
One Tear - A Departed Experiment
I'm not a poet, but this had the feel of a poem - or the creatively spaced prose that I used to pass off as poetry in creative writing class. It's Dignam/Costigan based on a comment that
![[profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
revelininsanity made about wanting to see Billy cry. 2nd person POVs which shift throughout - Dignam is in plain text and Costigan is in italics.
Your palm connects with his cheek.
Not for the first time, nor for the last
The slap is not unexpected, not undeserved either
Red marks bloom, the traces of fingers across his face
It stings
Whispers of pain, fleeting
Bringing sensation, awareness
Awareness of him
His strength
The power he holds over you
And suddenly the pain is gone and you brace for the next
Your breath comes hard and quick
You can kill him
He knows this
He knows this
The thought has crossed your mind
But that's never your aim, never your goal
(maybe it's his)
You only want to hurt him enough to make him cry
If he sheds a tear, he's still useful
Still human
Still yours
Sometimes your weapons are words
Sometimes you hold back what he craves
Long enough to break him
Tonight you come at him, with hands and fists
And feet, working to sweep his out from under him
You land, hard, on your back
Head crashes to the floor
Hurts like a motherfucker
You see him, standing over you
Waiting, willing you to get up
Just so he can knock you down again
Last time, you barely missed the coffee table
Catch your head on that
And you're dead for sure
He knows this, the bastard
You haven't said a word
Not like you have to
The pattern remains the same
You watch his eyes. One tear and you would leave.
You know what he wants
You could turn it on at any moment
That part of you
That has become so good at pretending
You know what he wants
Just as you know what you need
Fucked up as it seems, you need him to stay
You can't bear to be alone
Not tonight
You wait for the onslaught and will yourself not to cry
no subject
OH GOD.
And then: Red marks bloom, the traces of fingers across his face
And you can see it, his face going, like, pale and then bright, and OW> OH MY GOD. THE IMAGE.
The power he holds over you
I can see him, standing there, all, like, strong and SURE in himself.
You see him, standing over you
Waiting, willing you to get up
Just so he can knock you down again
EXACTLY. That's just how it would go down. Harsh like that.
You watch his eyes. One tear and you would leave.
He would. He needs Billy to break, so he can trust him to be strong again.
That part of you
That has become so good at pretending
THAT'S WHY. Sean- Billy- Guh.
Fucked up as it seems, you need him to stay
You can't bear to be alone
THAT'S WHAT HE THINKS. BUT SEAN KNOWS BETTER. He just needs to be hurting in front of someone, that's why the fight. Because he needs to be broken, but he can't ASK for it, so Sean gives it to him.
You wait for the onslaught and will yourself not to cry
Because if he cries, Sean leaves and Billy can't let him leave, but he can't ask him to stay.
I LOVE THIS WITH ALL THE LOVE CAPSLOCK CAN EXPRESS.
no subject
He needs Billy to break, so he can trust him to be strong again
I was thinking more along the lines that he needed to reassure himself that there was a part of Billy that still felt, that he could connect to, but maybe we're saying the same things, just in different ways.
no subject
That was beautiful, and really sad.
I especially loved the part where Dignam is thinking how if he'd see one tear he would know Billy was still his.
And I thought it was touching when Billy was thinking about how much he didn't want him to leave,how he couldn't bear to be alone,"not tonight".
Great job !
no subject
I especially loved the part where Dignam is thinking how if he'd see one tear he would know Billy was still his.
In my unromantic (yeah, right) brain, the "still yours" line referred to the department. Because Dignam wouldn't admit to anything like that, even to himself (but it was far and away my favorite moment of the piece). Actually, both that line and the "not tonight" that you mentioned were two lines that weren't going anywhere as soon as they hit the page.