cmk418 | One Tear - A Departed Experiment

I'm not a poet, but this had the feel of a poem - or the creatively spaced prose that I used to pass off as poetry in creative writing class. It's Dignam/Costigan based on a comment that

revelininsanity made about wanting to see Billy cry. 2nd person POVs which shift throughout - Dignam is in plain text and Costigan is in italics.

Your palm connects with his cheek.
     Not for the first time, nor for the last
          The slap is not unexpected, not undeserved either

Red marks bloom, the traces of fingers across his face

It stings
     Whispers of pain, fleeting
          Bringing sensation, awareness
Awareness of him
     His strength
          The power he holds over you

And suddenly the pain is gone and you brace for the next

Your breath comes hard and quick
     You can kill him
          He knows this

He knows this

The thought has crossed your mind
     But that's never your aim, never your goal
          (maybe it's his)
You only want to hurt him enough to make him cry
     If he sheds a tear, he's still useful
          Still human

Still yours

Sometimes your weapons are words
     Sometimes you hold back what he craves
          Long enough to break him

Tonight you come at him, with hands and fists
     And feet, working to sweep his out from under him

You land, hard, on your back
     Head crashes to the floor
          Hurts like a motherfucker
You see him, standing over you
     Waiting, willing you to get up
          Just so he can knock you down again
Last time, you barely missed the coffee table
     Catch your head on that
          And you're dead for sure

He knows this, the bastard

You haven't said a word
     Not like you have to
          The pattern remains the same

You watch his eyes. One tear and you would leave.

You know what he wants
     You could turn it on at any moment
          That part of you
               That has become so good at pretending

You know what he wants
     Just as you know what you need
          Fucked up as it seems, you need him to stay

You can't bear to be alone
     Not tonight

You wait for the onslaught and will yourself not to cry

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I just-

OH GOD.

And then: Red marks bloom, the traces of fingers across his face

And you can see it, his face going, like, pale and then bright, and OW> OH MY GOD. THE IMAGE.

The power he holds over you

I can see him, standing there, all, like, strong and SURE in himself.

You see him, standing over you
Waiting, willing you to get up
Just so he can knock you down again

EXACTLY. That's just how it would go down. Harsh like that.

You watch his eyes. One tear and you would leave.

He would. He needs Billy to break, so he can trust him to be strong again.

That part of you
That has become so good at pretending

THAT'S WHY. Sean- Billy- Guh.

Fucked up as it seems, you need him to stay

You can't bear to be alone

THAT'S WHAT HE THINKS. BUT SEAN KNOWS BETTER. He just needs to be hurting in front of someone, that's why the fight. Because he needs to be broken, but he can't ASK for it, so Sean gives it to him.

You wait for the onslaught and will yourself not to cry

Because if he cries, Sean leaves and Billy can't let him leave, but he can't ask him to stay.

I LOVE THIS WITH ALL THE LOVE CAPSLOCK CAN EXPRESS.

Thank you. I'm so glad you loved it. It was just so weird the way this piece wanted to spill out, but the fragments seem to fit them. Thanks for all the nice comments - the one interpretation that I saw differently was:

He needs Billy to break, so he can trust him to be strong again
I was thinking more along the lines that he needed to reassure himself that there was a part of Billy that still felt, that he could connect to, but maybe we're saying the same things, just in different ways.

Well, Billy might not have cried but I did!
That was beautiful, and really sad.
I especially loved the part where Dignam is thinking how if he'd see one tear he would know Billy was still his.
And I thought it was touching when Billy was thinking about how much he didn't want him to leave,how he couldn't bear to be alone,"not tonight".
Great job !

Thank you.

I especially loved the part where Dignam is thinking how if he'd see one tear he would know Billy was still his.

In my unromantic (yeah, right) brain, the "still yours" line referred to the department. Because Dignam wouldn't admit to anything like that, even to himself (but it was far and away my favorite moment of the piece). Actually, both that line and the "not tonight" that you mentioned were two lines that weren't going anywhere as soon as they hit the page.

One Tear - A Departed Experiment

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