Here goes nothing

[cmk418]

Feedback is appreciated.  This is AU.  Keller and Said.  After the events of Season 6.  3269 words at this moment. Rated R for language.

Kareem Said knelt on the floor and recited the morning prayers. Some habits never change, thought Kareem. Where had all of this praying gotten him, but a hair’s breadth away from Oz. Crossing over, he never believed he would see the same faces, never expected to have Adebisi for a roommate, never dreamed that he would be anywhere else other than Paradise. And now, this. They told him this morning to expect a new roommate, but this was really too much.

"This truly has to be my penance," muttered Said, as he rose and faced the newest arrival to the place he thought of as the holding zone.

Christopher Keller laid on one of the two double beds in the room, looking at a plain white envelope he held in his hand. It was addressed to Christopher Keller, Admittee #03K223. He caught Said’s whispered words and smiled, "Not exactly the seventy-seven virgins you were hoping for, was it, Said?"

Now he’s reading my mind, thought Said. "But neither is it the fire and brimstone that you had counted on."

"I had enough of that in Oz. So maybe this is hell. Are we all here?"

"No, this is just where we wait, until we move ahead."

"Good."

"How is that good?"

"Figure if I wait long enough or if the circumstances are right, I’ll see Toby again."

"It doesn’t always work that way. I would have like to see Jefferson Keane, but he had already moved on by the time I arrived."

"Maybe you took care of all of your business down there in Oz."

"Maybe." Said noticed the envelope in Keller’s hand. "What’s that?"

"Something they gave me when I got here. I get a little touchy about things that may have been in the mailroom."

Said laughed out loud. "What’s it going to do? Kill you?"

Keller looked at him, envelope momentarily forgotten. For a man that rarely smiled during their time in Oz, Said really should have done it more. Keller was amazed by the transformation. "Da-amn," drew out Keller in a whisper.

"Stop looking at me like I was your breakfast."

Keller blinked, somewhat embarrassed at being caught. This was Said, for fuck’s sake, the would-be holy man had inspired anger, not lust in him for the past five years. And now, stuck here... any port in a storm.

Said reached over and took the envelope out of his hand. "Really, Keller, you’re such a child. It’s probably just a photograph. They’re very big on that here, especially for us, since we were never able to hang on to such things during our life. Did you know that some people theorize that our last image remains fixed in our eyes, like a frame of undeveloped film?"

His last image, Keller thought, wasn’t the one he most wanted to see. But that was the trouble with breaking your neck. You risked having a bad vantage point.

Said went on, "I don’t believe it, of course. Otherwise there might be a gallery here of walls, floors, ceilings. I was looking at the doorway to the visitors’ room when I went. What about you?"

"Second floor landing."

"What happened?"

Keller looked at Said, momentarily thrown, then realized that Said didn’t know Toby was sent back to Oz. Keller mentally thanked God for this stroke of luck. If he played this right, Said would never know and Keller would never have to endure an eternity of lectures.

He had learned after many years running various scams, the best lies were the ones that contained the most truth, so Keller launched into his explanation. "It was stupid, I misjudged some distance and went backwards over the railing. Splat."

Said’s eyes narrowed. "That’s ironic. I have never seen a guy more sure on his feet than you."

"Well, that’s Oz for you. All about the irony."

Said turned his attention back to the envelope. He tore it open and looked inside. "Oh my."

Said didn’t touch the contents of the envelope, but handed it over to Keller. "Damn it. I told you those guys in the mailroom were gonna fuck with me." Keller turned the envelope over and dozens of tiny remnants of a torn photograph fell on the bed like confetti. "Happy death day, Chris. Happy fucking death day."

"I’ll try to..." Said started, but was interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Come in," yelled Keller.

Karl Metzger opened the door and stepped into the room. "Keller, you’ve got a meeting."

"I didn’t schedule anything," he stated. "With who?"

"I was just told to get you."

Keller brightened considerably, hopped to his feet. "Toby."

Said’s arm shot out, detaining him. "Keller, wait. There are a lot of these meetings, more for some of us than others, people you need to see, people who need to see you. The person you are going to meet, probably won’t be Tobias. News of your death may not even have reached him yet."

Memories of those last moments with Toby came unbidden to Keller’s mind. Toby’s face, changing from wounded, to resigned, to angry, until finally, at the last, to fearful. Toby’s cries echoed through his brain.

He wondered, would he have gotten the same reaction from Toby if Toby had kept his happy life outside of Oz? Would he have gotten any reaction? Or would he be a fading memory, just like Said?

"Let’s go," said Metzger, following Keller out and closing the door behind him.

Said went over to Keller’s bed and carefully picked up the torn fragments of the photograph. This, at least, was something to do until his new roommate got back. He sat down at the desk in the corner of the room, spread out the pieces and began to place them together, side by side, like a jigsaw puzzle.

Who knows, he thought. The praying was getting him nowhere, maybe the path to salvation would lie in good deeds. He could do this for Keller.

Said laughed quietly to himself, thinking of the angry man he left behind on earth, and now this reborn soul who wanted to help Keller. Christopher Keller, a man who, not so long ago, repulsed him.

His feelings had changed here. With Adebisi. Keller didn’t need to know about that. God, no. He’d have to endure an eternity of "I told you so". Truth be told, he never knew how good it could feel to be held by another man until the moment Adebisi took him in his arms and eased the loneliness he’d been fighting for so long.

Said could see clearly now. There was love between Keller and Beecher and it wasn’t a perversion. How they expressed it was just – different. Said wished he’d known all of this while in Oz. Maybe known wasn’t the right word. Admitted, that was it. Would he have stabbed Adebisi if he had allowed the man to love him? Could he have saved Adebisi if he had reached out instead of backing away?

But he had saved Adebisi. Here. They were able to make things right, to go in the direction the fates had pointed them for years, and to become better souls for it. But Adebisi had moved on, and for what seemed like ages, Said was once again alone.

Until now, and Keller. Said thought of his roommate and frowned. That man was trouble just waiting to find a home. Said wasn’t sure that he wanted that home to be with him. If they both weren’t already dead, he would be worried of what they could do to each other.

Said moved he last piece into place. There were still gaps in the photograph, parts torn out, never to return. Said felt a sense of loss, which was in odd contrast to the photograph itself. A beach house on a sunny day. Maybe it was some place that Keller spent time as a child. Happier times, before the prison system got their hooks in him.

It was odd, Said thought, as he got up from the desk and went to look at his own collection of photographs – his sister as a young girl, Tricia Ross, his graduation picture, all his photographs had been of people. So had Adebisi’s, although his were mostly of himself at various ages. And Adebisi was one of the few who had videotapes as part of his collection. This photograph of Keller’s was the first that he had seen of a place, no people except for the unseen photographer. Maybe the spots that were ripped out contained images of people. Keller would have obviously seen the photo before, so maybe he would solve the mystery.

Said laid back on his bed and closed his eyes, only for a moment.

 

Keller wandered back into the room. Said looked like he was passed out on his bed. Shit, he wanted to talk and his fucking roommate was napping. It had been a weird day, although it may have been longer. Coming here, dealing with Metzger and Said, and just the whole situation of not being alive anymore. Not to mention the weird package of confetti from the mailroom.

Keller noticed that the confetti was no longer on his bed. Nice. Maid service. Maybe having Said for a roommate wasn’t such a bad thing.

Keller wandered the room, looked at the titles of the books on the bookshelves. He really hoped his stay here would be short because the library was a bit limited on the stuff he liked. Oh, never mind, he thought as he spied a magazine rack. Skin rags aplenty. He needed a little relaxation after his meeting.

He shouldn’t have been surprised. The circumstances, except for Metzger being the hack on call, were eerily similar. The thin man at the opposite end of the metal folding table was the same. Agent Pierce Taylor. Obsession did make people do some funny things, but chasing Keller into the bowels of hell or wherever the fuck they were, went above and beyond. The upside for Keller was – this was Taylor’s hell too, and there was no way he would ever find anything out. Especially not after trying to make that deal with Toby.

Keller moved back toward his bed. Said was asleep, no need to worry about waking him and getting the inevitable lecture on self-gratification. And if he did, well, fuck it. They were roommates for the duration, and Keller’d be damned if he was forced into celibacy the entire time.

Keller passed the desk and glanced at the photograph that Said had pieced together. Keller stopped and took a longer look. The magazine slid from his uncurled fingers and hit the floor.

Said woke and turned in the direction of the sound. Keller stood next to the desk, looking at the photograph. His hand was at his face, covering his mouth, and his breaths were coming shakily.

Said moved over to Keller, touching him lightly on his back, as he stood beside him "Christopher?"

"He destroyed it. I – I destroyed it."

"How?"

"He didn’t want it anymore. Not after."

Said gathered Keller into his arms, holding him tight. "Shhh," whispered Said, touching Keller’s hair lightly. "Just relax. Take a deep breath."

Keller inhaled deeply, not quite believing he was in Said’s arms. As if this day could get any more fucked up, he thought. He breathed out, a dozen little shaky breaths, the after-effects of Toby shattering his heart and his dreams into teeny tiny pieces. He tried to pull away from Said, but Said held fast. He couldn’t stay like this, this close to Said, because any second now, the truth would just come pouring out of him.

Keller did the one thing that he could think of to get Said to back off. He angled his head slightly and pressed his lips to the spot on Said’s neck where his pulse beat rapidly, then dropped a second kiss close to Said’s earlobe. "Kareem," he whispered, sure that this would do the trick.

Keller wasn’t prepared then, to feel Said’s hot breath on his neck, to feel Said’s tongue tracing his collarbone, to feel Said’s hands on his back, moving lower and lower, until they caressed his ass. Keller moved the top part of his body away. "Jesus, Said, what the fuck."

"I decided, Chris, I would let you say ‘I told you so’," remarked Said, leaning forward and claiming Keller’s lips with his own. Just as Keller began to respond, Said took a step back and began to pull Keller toward the bed.

Keller reached down and attempted to pull off his shirt. Said covered his hands with his own. "Wait."

Keller grinned at sat down on the edge of the bed next to Said. "I knew you couldn’t do this."

"Which is why you tried to throw me off with your technique. Are we going to play this little game every time you try to avoid a question?"

"You gotta admit, it’s a helluva lot of fun."

"Christopher."

"Oh for God’s sake, Kareem, call me Chris. Christopher makes you sound like my Aunt Olivia and I didn’t want to kiss her."

"You’re stalling. What is it about that picture?"

"It’s not a real place. I mean it never was to me. I just had a description of it. When I was at Cedar Junction, Toby wrote me every day. I never wrote him back, of course, since I was sure I was never going to see him again. But Toby, he was a dreamer, and he thought up this house, down to the three steps, wooden planks, leading to the path down to our own private beach. He imagined we’d live there, someday, together. That dream got me through some hellish times, some very lonely times."

Said didn’t say anything, just waited.

"It was okay then, because I didn’t think I’d ever see him. But then, coming back to Oz, being with him, I realized that I couldn’t be apart from him ever again. It would kill me. So after he was free, after he got me released from death row and back into Gen Pop, I did what I had to do to get him back. I arranged for him to be caught violating his parole. This is the first time I’ve admitted it to anyone."

"What about Tobias?"

"Toby knew, of course. I never told him, but he knew. I couldn’t live without him and he couldn’t live with me. Both times, I did what I had to do. Go ahead, Kareem, say it. Tell me that what I felt for Toby wasn’t really love."

"Only you know that, Chris. I am through judging people on who they should and shouldn’t love and how they should and shouldn’t love."

Keller stared at him. This new Said made him feel off-balance. He didn’t want understanding, he wanted condemnation. There was none and he felt so exposed. And yet... he didn’t want to take any of it back. In fact, he wanted to go further. Keller didn’t understand it. He was never good with trust, even with Toby. So why was he spilling his guts out, asking questions like, "Why did he make it so I couldn’t put the damned dream back together again?"

"Time will change things. Even dreams change over time."

Said put an arm around Keller, who leaned back against him. "Know what?" Keller asked.

"What?"

"This is the safest I’ve felt in ages. Thank you." Keller turned and touched his lips to Said’s. "That wasn’t a distraction," he clarified, drawing back slightly to see if Said had believed him.

Said laughed and pulled Keller in for a deeper kiss.

 

Time passed and Said grew worried. He’d done all he could. He’d taught Chris things about loving and learned things about loving in return. Chris’ interactions with others had become less frequent and it would be just a matter of time that one of them should be called to move on.

The photograph of the beach house was glued onto cardboard and propped on Chris’ nightstand. Beecher was still an ever-present thought in both their minds. If Beecher came here, would Chris leave him for Tobias? Said didn’t like thinking that way because the fates would do what the fates would do and Said would have to accept it. He would be happy for both Chris and Tobias if it came to that. Truth be told, he had loved Tobias just about as much as Chris did, and now even more so after seeing him through Chris’ eyes.

Said glanced at the door in the back of the room. The door that hadn’t been open since Adebisi left. Which one of them would it be?

Keller looked over at Said and touched Said’s hair gently. Keller noticed that Kareem was looking at the door again, never a good sign. Kareem would talk about Adebisi being gone and then would just fall silent. Keller knew exactly what he was thinking. He’d gone through the same thing with Beecher once upon a time. But what Kareem might not have suspected was that it worked both ways. If Kareem moved on without him, the loneliness would drive him mad. And if it was him, well, there was no way for him to come back, and that didn’t seem right.

It was ridiculous – Kareem Said – a man who spent an obscene amount of time in prayer, not getting to Paradise before a complete fuck-up like Keller.

"You’re being self-deprecating again."

"Am not."

"After all this time, you think I can’t see it."

"I was just thinking. There’s no way they’d take me first, Kareem. No way." A thought hit him. "Maybe they won’t take us at all. I’m having fun here, aren’t you having fun?"

"I’m not sure if that’s an option."

"But if it is."

"I’ll stay."

Keller’s eyes widened. "You’d give up Paradise, for me?’

Said turned toward Keller and smiled, melting Keller’s heart once again. "I’d just change my definition."

Keller leaned forward to kiss Said and froze. "Oh, shit," he whispered.

Said turned to follow Keller’s look. The door in the back of the room was open. The two men looked at each other.

"Do you want to...?"

"Let’s just..."

"Hey!" yelled a voice from outside. "Come on out."

Said took Keller by the hand and led him toward the door. "We’ll go through together. That way neither one of us gets left."

"Okay," whispered Keller. The two of them stepped over the threshold.

 

The first thing they noticed was the sound of the ocean, then the hard planks of the steps leading out to the walk. "Three steps, wooden planks, leading to the path down to our own private beach," recited Keller from memory.

Keller let go of Said’s hand, jogged ahead a few paces and turned around. "Well, would you look at that," he said and laughed.

Said caught up to him and looked, "The house in the photograph," he whispered. Said took a step away from Keller, but was restrained by a hand on his shoulder. Said turned and looked into the face of Tobias Beecher.

"Chris, Kareem, I couldn’t imagine Paradise without either one of you." Beecher had an arm around each one and kissed them both in turn.

Said’s eyes met Keller’s. Keller grinned.

"Not exactly the seventy-seven virgins you were hoping for, is it, Kareem?"

"And you, no scantily clad angels on fluffy white clouds, are you going to be okay without that?"

"Fuck, yes," said Keller, "This is gonna be a helluva lot more fun."