Another SF Valley Monday

[cmk418]

Didn't get a lot done today. Sent my resume off to the non-profit. They e-mailed me back asking for salary requirements. I gave a figure that I thought was fair and would keep me in a way that I used to be accustomed. I have no idea whether that will be a help or a hinderance. Lots of non-profits like to keep the budgets on the low side, but after working with some, I also know that they like to drive their employees into the ground so the money has to be representative of that.

The White Sox and Angels are now out of the playoffs. Boston is in. I can't stand the Red Sox. So I guess it's Rays and Dodgers for this series and then we'll see.

I don't know if the roster is finalized or not. They cut 4 more guys today. Sad to see those guys get sent down (Beach, Crawford, Brouwer, and Aliu). They seem a little heavy on the defensive side still. I really hope that Jack Skille stays up. He did pretty good for us last year.

I'm commissioning a very small fantasy hockey league this season. Thought I'd try it out. It's kinda funny because I think I was the only one who selected their own players. I've got Ovechkin (apparently I went first in the auto-draft), 6 random guys, and 7 Blackhawks (no, it's not bias, it's confidence). I'm a little peeved that my aunt got Pavel Datsyuk because he was actually on my list. Wonder if she'd give him to me for Corey Perry?

Yes, it's still me writing this.

Writing-wise, I got my prompt for the Willow ficathon. It wasn't the one I really wanted, but there's plenty to write about with the prompt I do have - it's going to be a Firefly/Buffy Crossover. I've started an idea for the OZ Trick or Treat Grab Bag. And, does anybody else start thinking of oz_magi this soon, because I think I pretty well know what I'm going to ask for. And, no, Jia Kenmin is not involved this year. *sigh*

Comments

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

YAY! JOB TIMES!

I really wish you could just have your dream job, though.

[cmk418]

Right now, it's weird, but it sorta feels like I have it. Of course, I'm currently living the unpaid writer's life, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. And if I got paid for it, would I still like it, or would it actually become a job with responsibilities, and therefore, something to run away from?

"Life" is starting in 15 minutes. I haven't read any of the spoilers yet. I hope it's a decent episode and the anti-gay marriage hatemongers don't put up any commercials in the middle of my show to upset me.

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

OMG IT'S MIDNIGHT HERE AND I HAVE TO BE AT WORK IN NINE HOURS. WHY DOES LIFE HATE ME?

I love writing. I think I'd still love it, even if I was getting paid for it. As you can see by my blathersome lj posts, I even like second draft stuff. EEK.

OMG TONIGHT WAS SO WONDERFUL. LIFE. MY SHOOOOOOOW!!

[cmk418]

That is now my new favorite episode. I don't mind the Crews/Jen - Dani/Tidwell thing that's going on. And that scene between Dani and Jack - fabulous.

Do you think they're phasing Ted out? I worry about that a little. With him getting a new job and all, it just seems like the next logical step would be to move him from the garage.

And where the heck did Rachel go?

I really like Tidwell, btw. It's weird cuz if I was into guys and relationships and dating, that would be exactly the guy that I'd date.

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

I KNOW. And Dani, being all "grrrrr" at Tidwell.

"If I ever sleep with him, YOU kill ME."

Dani and Jack. I LOVED that scene. New favourite episode, srsly!

They can't phase Ted out. I think they just realized he needs a life outside of Charlie, which is pretty healthy, if you think of it.

I think she's still in that hospital, because she's safer there.

I know. You like Dignam, too. I think I should write fic where Dignam is Tidwell's Boston cousin.

[cmk418]

I like my men slightly obnoxious.

And Tidwell likes hockey too - there's a NY Islanders jersey hanging in his office.

Yes, you must write Tidwell-Dignam (but maybe wait til after the next part of ROS/WOW is posted, cause I wouldn't want to delay that). Dignam comes to Cali to see his cousin and meets Crews, Dani, and one new-to-the-LAPD Billy Costigan. There's your bunny.

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

Slightly obnoxious? Admit it. You like assholes who make it work for them.Everyone does.

I hate hockey. I tried following it one year and my team lost and I wanted to KILL them.

Hockey isn't healthy.

AW. Man. Now, I want to write this. Also, WOW hates me right now. Billy is being an asshole, Sean is being an asshole, Addario is confused and it's late. They need to sleep and instead they're arguing.

[cmk418]

Tell them to be quiet or you're going to play with Crews and Reese instead.

Go ahead. Tell them. I'll wait.

Did it work?

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

I guess it's just this one scene I'm having trouble getting past. Sean just did something that pissed Billy off(not irrationally). And Billy's having a lot of trouble processing it. The thing is, his reaction is pretty much emotional, although part of it is Sean doing this thing without talking to him. Sean, for his part, isn't sure what the problem is. He's the boss, right?

[cmk418]

That seems to hit the dynamic of most relationships, but if you're not happy with it, then you shouldn't go through with it. Keep the draft you've got now, but play with another where said scene happens differently.

Or is it a scene that you secretly love, think is great, and are just worried that your readers aren't going to like it?

And if that's the case, could it be any more wrong than what Monahan did to Billy when the elevator doors opened?

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

There's nothing bad about it, I suppose. I actually like it, yet.

Something feels a little off.

And no, it's not as bad as all that!

I don't know. Would you mind if I posted what I have in a comment here, and maybe you could look at it and see if it's terrible?

[cmk418]

I don't mind. I'll read it when I come back from my walk in about half an hour, okay?

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Have fun on your walk, hon!

Hospitals are always cold, always smell of inexpensive disinfectant and always have nurses who smile at you without seeing you.

Billy's been in too many hospitals, because the chairs, utilitarian and less than ergonomically designed, have all become comfortable and the sounds of the sick and the recovering and the dying have become background noise, like living in a construction zone. He can even say the smell isn't so bad, but that's mostly because what he smells is Sophie's watermelon shampoo where she leans against him, making soft, wounded noises.

Jean's arguing with the receptionist about letting them in to see Sean. The receptionist's on this kick about family, which is fucking stupid, because besides Sophie, the only blood Sean's got is out in Glocester and doesn't care if he's alive or dead. Billy considers flashing his badge, just as Jean starts to lose her patience, but he doesn't get the chance.

“Sergeant Costigan?”

Addario's a little shorter than Billy, big brown eyes that usually crinkle while he smiles wide with surprise. He's known for being a lace curtain, grew up in a quiet little house somewhere in the North End, or so far South that the Projects were a bad dream. Rumor has it that his parents still go by the Anglicized Addams and the first time he had a cannoli was at the Academy.

“What are you doing here?” He stops in front of Billy, clearly shocked.

Billy can feel his lips tighten, irritation thinning them down, and he puts Sophie down, carefully, before getting up. He has one had on his cane and the other one wrapped around Sophie's tiny fingers and by the time he's all the way up, Addario's distracted by Jean.

“Where is he?”

Jean sounds colder than Billy's ever heard her, like she's dipped her voice in ice water. Sophie doesn't seem to notice, rubbing Joseph's fin on her face, but Addario winces.

“They put him in a room down the hall,”Addario thumbs over his shoulder, back toward a corner with a kitten poster on it.

“Which room?”

Jean's doing all the talking, in this clipped off tapping. Billy follows her as she bullies Addario down the hall, leaning on his cane on one side and holding Sophie's hand in the other. He can feel Sophie run her thumb back and forth across his fingernail and squeezes a little.

The last time he was with Sean, really with him, last night, he'd leaned back against the pillows and watched Sean run back and forth across the room, talking about Sophie's birthday. It's in two weeks, and Sean didn't know what to do.

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

“You don't turn seven everyday, right?” He'd asked, pulling his shirt off. Billy watched him and tried to remember if it had always felt this easy, watching Sean, watching any guy. He had this impression that caution had counted more than anything else in the before times, whatever he was looking at. Sean had been built, once upon a time, he'd seen pictures, and it had fallen away to a skinny tautness, whipcord strong.

“Can't we just hire a clown, or something? Barney, maybe?”

“Sophie hates Barney,” Sean said, yanking on a pair of flannel pants, goosebumps rising on his arms. “Fuck, I hate fucking Barney. Sophie never liked Barney and she's scared of clowns.”

“We could-” No Chuk E Cheese's, no McDonalds. No parties, but Billy had to remember to arrange something with Sophie's class. Buy a cake and some shit like that. “I don't know.”

Sean grabbed a t-shirt and pulled it on as he climbed under the covers. He pulled at Billy until they were wrapped up in each other, until Sean was wrapped aroudf him like an octopus.

“Forget it,” he muttered, and reached out, turning off the light. “We'll think of something.”

Billy's hand tightens on Sophie's as they turn the corner. His shoelaces are too tight and his feet are choking. There's a purple line running around the hospital walls and he tries to follow it as they move, but eventually it starts to change colour and he loses it. He feels like he's been turned around too many times and the dizziness is too steps behind him, waiting for him to sit down.

“Here.” Addario stops outside a room with a blue door and turns the knob.

Billy hasn't held his breath for a long time, at least since the last time he took Sophie to the pool and slipped under the water with her. It's a surprise when he breathes in again, like he'd forgotten how.

Sean looks small, tiny against the white bed and white bandages. There's no nurse, no doctor, no one to tell them what happened, or how bad it is. Just a bed and Sean, lying there like he's asleep.

“Daddy!” Sophie lets go of Billy's hand and runs to the bed, shoving Sean a little when she gets there. “Daddy?”

Sean moves his head, shakes it a little as his eyes open and Billy feels himself sag against the door handle. Addario glances back, concern creasing his forehead and reaches out.

“Sergeant?”

“I'm fine.” Billy snaps, pulling himself up, and watches Addario jump back, looking hurt. He shows his feelings all over he place and one day it'll get him trouble.If he does it around Billy much more, he'll get trouble from Billy.

Sean puts a hand on Sophie's face. He's all drugged up, looks like, but he pets her and says things in a voice too soft for Billy to hear. Billy imagines that he's telling her he loves her, that he'll never leave her, that he'll never come home from work in a body bag. Billy imagines him telling her lies.

“Hey.”

Sean holds his other hand out to him. Billy watches the bandages on his arm pull and sees Sean's lips lose a little colour.

“You fucking asshole,” he snaps and turns on his cane, following a blue line down the hallway, trying not to let it blur beyond recognition.
.......................

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

“You okay?”

Addario followed him out here, like a puppy looking for kicks. Billy wishes he had a cigarette, wishes he had a drink. Wishes this kid would fuck off and leave him alone.

It's cold. May won't really let up for another week.

“I hate you.”

He doesn't mean to say it, but there it is, out in the open.

Addario stares at him, blinks once and he's so fucking pretty, both eyes open, that Billy can't fucking stand it. Can't fucking stand it and maybe this is how Sean feels all the time, like the world's just unfucking fair and that's why Billy feels his mouth opening, words coming out like broken glass falling.

“You're so fucking clean,” Addario flinches and Billy grins, soft and sharp. “How the fuck do you stay so fucking clean, you bastard?”

“Sergeant-”

“Shut up, kid, just shut the fuck up.”

He watches the boy draw back, retreat. He knows the feeling.

“You ever get your fucking hands dirty?” He can't move around, can't make the space here his own, but he can shoot, almost as straight as the gun he's not allowed to carry anymore. Depth perception, mobility problems, the bullets going so far off they might as well be in Africa. “You ever get your hands dirty before tonight? Ever had another man's blood on your hands before?”

“Sergeant.” Addario stands up straight, looks him in the eye. “Sergeant-”

“I don't trust fucking clean ass punks like you! You, what the hell are you doing here?”

Addario stops trying to talk, thank god. Just looks at him, like a kid who's just been told there's no Santa Claus and Saturdays and summer vacation have just been cancelled.

“What the hell do you need to be here for? You had some, I don't know, some uncle who bit it in the force? You watch too much Law and Order growing up? You one of Giovanni's boys? Huh? You lacecurtain fucking wop!”

“You say that again,” Addario looks at him, really looks at him, and Billy wants to laugh. “And I don't care if you're a cripple or what. I will take your fucking head off.”

“What the hell are you doing here?” Billy's so tired of this. Tired of the badge and tired of the guns and tired of the city he almost died for, over and over again. “What the hell are you doing here, kid?”

“I'm here to serve, Sergeant.” Addario looks like he ought to be on a recruiting poster, all square shoulders and square jaw.

Billy finds himself laughing. It's hard and cold and it's like the rain his leg, his arm, everywhere he can still feel, tells him is coming that just won't come.

“Yeah,” he says and leans back against the concrete. “Aren't we all?”
........................................................

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

He has to get Addario to lead him back through the hospital halls. Kid's decent about it, despite everything. It's not enough to stop Billy's lip from curling when he thinks about him. It's not enough to change the fact that Sean is lying there, a hole in his arm and a hole in his shoulder, a week's bed rest at least, and no leaving his desk for another month after that.

“We're going to need someone to take care of the baby.” Sean leans back against the chair, ignoring the doctor, who isn't happy about him leaving, but can't really stop him. “Billy, Harry's going to have to wait to go to college. We set up the trust fund too specifically.”

“I'll take care of it.” Billy's leaning on the chair handles. Sophie's holding his cane like a treasure, very solemn and Jean's following them, on Addario's arm, looking every inch her age.

“You're very lucky, Captain Dignam,” the doctor clucks, leading them out. “You could have been killed, or permanently disabled.”

It's a graze and a though and through. No infection(so far), no muscles damage(beyond the obvious), even the meds are just T3s. Sean's going to ignore the doctor, be back at work in five days instead of seven. Billy's going to be fighting to keep him from going in two days, but he can live with that.

Before they get in the car, Sean grabs Addario's arm.

“Tomorrow morning, you come and get Costigan, okay? Then, when you get to work, you report to his office. You're working with us. Cleared it with Ellerby in the van.”

Addario looks at Billy and flinches.

“I don't think that's such a good idea, Captain.”

“Who's the Captain around here? Is it him? Is it you?” Sean snaps. “I'm not asking you, kid, I'm telling you.”

Jean takes Sophie by the hand and leads her away. Billy feels his leg start shaking and clutches the handles. If he falls, he'll never hear the end of it. If he falls.

“I'm not fucking working with him,” he tells Dignam.

“You're working with him.”

It's not an arguing voice. It's a “shut up, I know what I'm doing” voice, more than anything and that pisses Billy off more than anything else, like he's some child, some cripple that Dignam is keeping around because it looks good to the brass. Like he's a fucking pacifier, he's being pacified.

“Fuck you.”

He takes two steps, three, he's away from the chair. He's away from the chair and he's still standing. Another step.

His back hits the hospital and his leg gives out, spasming.

“Shit!”

“Sergeant?”

“Get the fuck away from me!”

He pushes Addario off him(what the hell is he doing there, anyhow?) and lets himself, just, drop.

“Billy.”

Sophie looks at him, too disapproving for a six year old. She shoves his cane against his hands and puts her fists on her hips.

“You need this, Billy. So you can walk.”

No. No, I don't. I'm twenty-seven years old, I don't need this. I don't.

He takes it, and uses it and the wall to pull himself up. Sean's halfway out of the chair, clutching the arm. Billy draws a breath and takes a step. Then another. Another. Another.

“Come on, Captain.” He wraps his hand around Sean's arm. “Let's go home.”
......................................

Okay, so, honestly? Billy's not really dealing as well with his ability as I thought. Seriously, though, I don't blame him.

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

The windows show the spring, blues and greens melting into blacks. Billy sits up in bed and watches Sean move around the room.

“Should I not have done that?”

Sean sits down on the bed, trying to get a t-shirt on. He looks over his shoulder and repeats himself.

“Should I not have done that?”

Done what? Billy wants to ask, just to be a dick, but he doesn't.

“I don't like him.”

“Yeah.” Sean puts the shirt in his lap, fingers clenching in the fabric. Billy reaches out, takes it.

“Turn around.”

He starts at the uninjured arm, then the head, working his way down. He's twisted up, around Sean, working the other arm through gently, when Sean whispers to him, lips so close that they could be kissing.

“Do you really hate him? Or do you hate that he's who Sullivan was pretending to be?”

Billy doesn't flinch, doesn't want Sean's arm jarred anymore than it has been. He pulls Sean's hand through the sleeve and eases it down, sitting back.

“You're an asshole.”

Sean shrugs and gets up, goes to the bathroom. Running water and the smell of toothpaste.

Billy lies down, but he hates going to bed angry, hates being who his parents were, both of them angry without saying a word.

“I shouldn't have said that.”

“It's true.” Sean's got his back turned, and Billy just wants to roll over and make him look at him.

So he does.

“It usually works for you.”

That makes Sean turn around, smiling a little, a faded version of his usual smirk.

“Me being an asshole?”

Billy nods. “It's your thing.”

“Yeah.” Sean nods. “It works, too.”

“Most of the time. You should have told me."

"I should have?"

Sean's voice is soft, vague, face blank, and Billy's just as pissed as he was before.

"Look, either I work with you, or I'm there so you don't have to worry about me falling down the stairs while you're out. Which one is it?"

Either I work there, or I'm like the magnetic paperweight on Brown's desk, pretty and a distraction when days are slow, is what he doesn't say, even though he wants to. Wants to know why all of a sudden there's no word of a shoot out being blasted his way, wants to know why he waits at home, like some fucking civilian, or something, while Sean goes out and gets himself shot.

[cmk418]

“Do you really hate him? Or do you hate that he's who Sullivan was pretending to be?”
Sean's upset because Billy doesn't trust his judgment when it comes to who he chooses to be on his team.

“You're an asshole.”
I love their version of pillow talk.

The last paragraph is another heartbreaker, but it's perfect for Billy's mood of the moment.

Poor baby isn't going to sleep well at all.

All in all, this is very well done, and very believable to the characters. I really think you can go ahead and post now if you wanted to. (Unless you want to add more Sophie - I'm always in favor of more Sophie)

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

Ah. I was wondering about that. Good thing you're around to tell me what my characters are saying ;)!

I wouldn't call it pillow talk so much as... Billy's very good, for the most part, with dealing with Sean's assholery by smiling, but it gets to be too much even for him, sometimes. Also, they're both GUYS. So, not so much with the sweet talking!

Billy is driving me crazy, but the worst part is, I don't think he's all wrong here.

Thanks so much for all your help! I want to flesh it out more, play with Addario a bit and give Sophie's problems a little exposition. Just a few more days, I swear!

Oh, you know what? I'm kicking myself for not mentioning it earlier, but my mom works in non-profit! She organizes communities and does family outreach and shit. Want me to pass along any questions for you?

[cmk418]

Billy is driving me crazy, but the worst part is, I don't think he's all wrong here. He's not. Wants to know why all of a sudden there's no word of a shoot out being blasted his way, Here's me telling you what your characters are feeling again. Up til this point, Sean's been pretty good about including Billy in everything. The moment that doesn't happen, Billy feels expendable. For someone who's been in Costello's organization, that carries a whole other level of meaning, and even if he doesn't remember anything, he still feels those emotions, that fear, and that's why he's reacting the way he is.

>>>>>>>

Hey, your mom's a community organizer, like Barack Obama. Pretty cool that.

I don't have any questions right now, but thanks for offering. I used to work non-profits in Development and that's what I'm applying for. The only thing is that the fundraising software that they use and I've had experience with has had 7 years of improvements while I've been doing other things, so me having experience with it in 2001 may not be the same as me having experience with it in 2008. But I'll cross that bridge if I get to it.

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

Sort of vaguely like when Costello told him to be on with that job and then cut him out! I get it now. Awesome!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You guys get software? Man. I think my mom has Word and that's it. Maybe some outlook or something. ;)

Actually, Mom is more like a mom organizer. She works with inner city youth to try to get them into their community in a healthy way, or something. Part of that is working with moms.

[cmk418]

“We're going to need someone to take care of the baby.” Sean leans back against the chair, ignoring the doctor, who isn't happy about him leaving, but can't really stop him. “Billy, Harry's going to have to wait to go to college. We set up the trust fund too specifically.”
I know he's talking about an undercover, but this threw me. Billy's condition is such, that you can just put a name in his head and then move forward.

Sean throwing his authority around comes on a bit strong, but it's something that he needs at this moment.

Love Sophie giving Billy the what-for about using his cane. Very nice.

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

It's Cerelli, but you're right, he really isn't familiar enough. Besides, that's the first thought that would pop into Billy's head, Who the fuck-Cerelli.

Sean has CONTROL issues.

Sophie's such a bossy-boots, but then she's a beloved only child. Honestly, with her things, I think she likes having BIlly around, because there's someone for her to say, "Be careful" to.

[cmk418]

This makes a lot more sense now in the context of what Sean says later about Billy comparing Addario to Sullivan.

One sentence that I keep getting hung up on
It's hard and cold and it's like the rain his leg, his arm, everywhere he can still feel, tells him is coming that just won't come. I had to read it twice when I did my initial read through and still stumbled over it this time. I love the imagery though and it could probably flow a wee bit better if there was a "that" between "the rain" and "his leg".

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

Should I maybe put that conversation later, and just have them get out of the hospital first? I thought about doing it that way.

Yeah. I thought that didn't flow right. Thanks!

[cmk418]

It works fine as it is. Unless you want to do it as a flashback after Sean goes in to brush his teeth. That could work too.

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

Oh, whew! Man, random capitalizations. It's 12:30 here and I have to be at work by nine. Maybe I should go to sleep.

[cmk418]

Me being grammar police the dizziness is too steps behind him two steps
and also, He shows his feelings all over he place the place

Okay, now the real feedback

I like the flashback. It's such an ordinary scene, but there's so much weight attached to the idea that it was the last time Billy saw Sean. Two guys, planning something, as though their life wasn't going to change in just a few hours.

Billy's disorientation is very real here, partly the stress of the situation (heck, I get disoriented in hospitals) and partly his condition. Sophie's reaction - she doesn't seem to be too freaked out by the situation - it works for her, but if you intended her to be a little more worried, then one more "Daddy" ought to do it.

Sean puts a hand on Sophie's face. He's all drugged up, looks like, but he pets her and says things in a voice too soft for Billy to hear. Billy imagines that he's telling her he loves her, that he'll never leave her, that he'll never come home from work in a body bag. Billy imagines him telling her lies.

Heartbreaking. But in light of this, Billy's reaction is perfectly natural. He doesn't want Sean to open his mouth and lie to him. And that last line kills me.

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *winces* I always forget the synonyms and the missing letter words.

I wanted to show it's not all dark and drab with them. Honestly, they do other things! Like birthdays!

Sophie's really stressed out by life in general, right now, but you're right. I'm going to add a few lines there, then.

Oh, Billy. Why so depressing?

[cmk418]

This format definitely makes it easier to hit certain parts.

He can even say the smell isn't so bad, but that's mostly because what he smells is Sophie's watermelon shampoo where she leans against him, making soft, wounded noises. - Really the whole description of how Billy's become accustomed to hospitals is a nice way to start it out.

Addario's surprise at Billy being there works and lets us know that they're not out at work.

Jean. I don't talk much about her, but I love the way she takes charge here. She's like a lioness protecting her cubs. (Even though we never see her in the film, I picture her as Patricia Clarkson.)

He can feel Sophie run her thumb back and forth across his fingernail and squeezes a little. I love the fact that they give each other comfort.

[revelininsanity.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't really say they're in, though. I think they just don't talk about it and no one else "in the know" talks about it, so it surprises guys like Addario.

I didn't know who Patricia Clarkson was and I had to look it up. If Patricia Clarkson ever cut her hair and dyed it cherry red, that's what Jean looks like. *laughs*

Thanks. I love Billy and Sophie. It's not the overstated devotion I write when Sean thinks about her, but they really do love each other.

[cmk418]

So... Jean's a gal with unnaturally red hair. No wonder I like her. *g*